Bet you thought I forgot about this blog, didn't you? Well, I didn't! I just took a half year break from writing anything on it. :) In all seriousness, though, I feel bad that I completely stopped writing. Unfortunately, anyone that checked this blog at all back then I'm sure has long forgotten about it, so that means that I will have no audience for this post. It's okay, though. Now that it's summer I will have more time to write and I hope I can gain back a few people to read this.
I want to be really honest about the reason I stopped writing on this blog. Starting right after I wrote that last post, I started a very long period of apathy. I would no longer read the Bible regularly, look at my my devotion, or even pray very often. I was aware of what was happening throughout the months, and I didn't want it to be like that. But whenever I thought of things that I could do to come out of it, like opening up the Bible again or talking to someone about it, I was just too lazy to follow through.
The scariest thing about that whole thing was that I was starting to stop feeling anything. I was completely apathetic to anything religious. Even when I felt convicted about it, and I would pray to God to let me feel something, it didn't seem to work. My spiritual numbness was more present than ever before. It was scary, and I knew it was happening. But that was the thing- I cared, but not enough.
It has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have really started to come out of my spiritual low. I remember the first thing that happened was when we watched a talk at school. We were shown the "How Great is our God" talk by Louie Giglio. I had seen it before, but it impacted me differently that time. I listened to him talk about the vastness of the universe and was in awe. About halfway through, I actually comprehended the fact that I was being struck by the greatness of our God. It made me so happy I wanted to jump out of my seat. My prayer, my half-hearted prayer that I had tossed up to God every now and then for the last few months, my undeserving prayer to feel something, was being given to me. I loved God completely, with my whole being, in that moment, for the first time in months.
Since that day, I have been slowly reaching back into my personal relationship with Jesus. I church talk here, a prayer there, and I found myself taking baby steps back into a lifestyle around Christ. I am going to be having more opportunities to be impacted by God this summer, and I plan to use them. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I am going to try to write on this blog more often. I don't know how much I will, but I will try.
One thing I have learned through this is that you never know what is going to happen next. My last post on this blog was my favorite of any I had done. I was being totally vulnerable and sharing my heart, and I felt incredibly close to God. Then, within weeks, I was starting a period of my life where I relied on myself for everything, instead of God. I don't know what journeys God is going to take me on this summer, but I am excited. And I am slowly learning to lean on Him, to love Him, and to realign my life to be centered around Him.
Grace
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Thursday, November 1, 2012
"What if We Were Real" by Mandisa
I want to start this with the lyrics to "What if We Were Real" by Mandisa.
We'd care about someone else
'Cause we'd know just how they feel
Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we'd a little more like Jesus
Why can't we learn to be real
I'm tired of saying everything I feel like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time, I want to throw my mask away
I have so much difficulty with the first line. I can be so hypocritical sometimes. If I have an opinion that is different than someone elses, sometimes I keep it quiet because I feel like I will be judged. If someone asks me "Do you always believe God is real?" I would say "Of course! I know in my heart, always, that no matter what, God is real and is there for me." That really isn't the truth. I won't lie, I struggle all the time with wondering if God even exists. But I don't say it, because it isn't 'what I'm supposed to say.' The second line, I feel like that, too! I have had some pretty hard stuff happen to me in the past months, but I go to school every day, smiling like nothing happened. Sometimes, I had a terrible night the day before, but I don't tell my friends anything. I smile all the time, and it feels like such a mask.
Sometimes you just have a bad day,
Sometimes you just want to scream,
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me you feel just like me.
Sometimes it does feel like I am the only one who doesn't have everything together, and I just want someone to tell me that they feel like that, too.
We keep trying to make it look so nice
And we keep hiding what's going on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
There is a huge part of me that really longs for deep talks, and knowing that I am not alone. There is a certain atmosphere that my peers take, that makes it seem like I am the only one who isn't happy all the time. I think there is an unexplainable bond that you create with a person when you share how you really feel. Whenever I get that feeling, like I am really not alone in some of the things I think and feel, it is so comforting. And the more we are real with each other, the more that sort of thing happens.
I'm over hiding my tears
I think I'm gonna let them go
I'm over acting so strong
When I'm not even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can't we open our hearts and let everybody see
This year, I have put on a very strong shell, on the whole. I tell people that I am okay, that I don't need help. But a lot of times when I say those things, I am literally on the verge of tears. I have gotton so good at hiding my pain, that now when it is okay to show it, it is hard. I don't know why I do it, like this says. I don't know why I can't just let people see that I am broken, hurting, and confused.
We'd think a little less of ourselves,
We'd care about somebody else
'Cause we know just how they feel,
Maybe we would let someone love us
Maybe we'd be a little more like Jesus,
Why can't we learn to be real?
I realize that in the parts before this, I have been going for being real in a totally self-centered way. I don't necessarily mean that that is bad, but there is the whole other layer that these lyrics put out there. If we all shared how we really feel with everyone, we would have more compassion for them. If we heard someone else's stuggles, we would love them more fully. I know I would gain respect for someone, if they weren't afraid to tell people their brokenness.
And that last part, about being like Jesus- that really convicted me. If you aren't convinced that if is better to be real from anything else, let this be it. If we told everyone how we felt, and let them tell us, we would be more like Jesus. This world is a mess, but by sharing our sin and guilt and sadness, we are making it more beautiful. We really are being more like Jesus.
Grace
I'm tired of saying everythingWe'd think a little less of ourselves
I feel like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time
I want to throw the mask away
Sometimes you just have a bad day
Sometimes you just want to scream
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me that you feel just like me
We keep trying to make it look so nice
And we keep hiding what's going on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
I'm over hiding my tears
I think I'm gonna let them go
I'm over acting so strong
When I'm not even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can't we open our hearts and let everybody see
We'd care about someone else
'Cause we'd know just how they feel
Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we'd a little more like Jesus
Why can't we learn to be real
I could almost leave this whole post as just those lyrics. They are so incredibly true. I want to go over each verse, and talk about what I think they mean and what we can do in our lives in relation to them.
I'm tired of saying everything I feel like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time, I want to throw my mask away
I have so much difficulty with the first line. I can be so hypocritical sometimes. If I have an opinion that is different than someone elses, sometimes I keep it quiet because I feel like I will be judged. If someone asks me "Do you always believe God is real?" I would say "Of course! I know in my heart, always, that no matter what, God is real and is there for me." That really isn't the truth. I won't lie, I struggle all the time with wondering if God even exists. But I don't say it, because it isn't 'what I'm supposed to say.' The second line, I feel like that, too! I have had some pretty hard stuff happen to me in the past months, but I go to school every day, smiling like nothing happened. Sometimes, I had a terrible night the day before, but I don't tell my friends anything. I smile all the time, and it feels like such a mask.
Sometimes you just have a bad day,
Sometimes you just want to scream,
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me you feel just like me.
Sometimes it does feel like I am the only one who doesn't have everything together, and I just want someone to tell me that they feel like that, too.
We keep trying to make it look so nice
And we keep hiding what's going on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
There is a huge part of me that really longs for deep talks, and knowing that I am not alone. There is a certain atmosphere that my peers take, that makes it seem like I am the only one who isn't happy all the time. I think there is an unexplainable bond that you create with a person when you share how you really feel. Whenever I get that feeling, like I am really not alone in some of the things I think and feel, it is so comforting. And the more we are real with each other, the more that sort of thing happens.
I'm over hiding my tears
I think I'm gonna let them go
I'm over acting so strong
When I'm not even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can't we open our hearts and let everybody see
This year, I have put on a very strong shell, on the whole. I tell people that I am okay, that I don't need help. But a lot of times when I say those things, I am literally on the verge of tears. I have gotton so good at hiding my pain, that now when it is okay to show it, it is hard. I don't know why I do it, like this says. I don't know why I can't just let people see that I am broken, hurting, and confused.
We'd think a little less of ourselves,
We'd care about somebody else
'Cause we know just how they feel,
Maybe we would let someone love us
Maybe we'd be a little more like Jesus,
Why can't we learn to be real?
I realize that in the parts before this, I have been going for being real in a totally self-centered way. I don't necessarily mean that that is bad, but there is the whole other layer that these lyrics put out there. If we all shared how we really feel with everyone, we would have more compassion for them. If we heard someone else's stuggles, we would love them more fully. I know I would gain respect for someone, if they weren't afraid to tell people their brokenness.
And that last part, about being like Jesus- that really convicted me. If you aren't convinced that if is better to be real from anything else, let this be it. If we told everyone how we felt, and let them tell us, we would be more like Jesus. This world is a mess, but by sharing our sin and guilt and sadness, we are making it more beautiful. We really are being more like Jesus.
Grace
Why Fit In when You Were Born to Stand Out?
That famous quote, by Dr. Suess, was the inspiration for this post. There isn't really any interpretation to it, it is simple and to the point. That idea, standing out, isn't quite as blatently related to Christianity as all of my others, but I think it still ties in awesomely to Christian principles.
A few things have brought this idea to my mind in the past week:
One, I was watching the chick flick Aquamarine last night, and remember this one moment. They are in a mall, looking over all the levels of escalators. Aquamarine, who, doesn't have a great sense of what is socially acceptable, yells "HELLO!!!!" down to all the people walking around, and they all look up at her. Her friends look at her like she's crazy, and she says "Why go through life unnoticed?"
Two, I have been talking to friends and family members who have that mindset recently. I am not naturally that type of person. I am not shy, but I am also not particularly outgoing either. But I have some people in life that are just the opposite. They believe that it's okay to stand out. It's okay to be noticed. In fact, it makes life more fun!
This is why I think it is a heart issue to stand out. God created us beautifully and perfectly. We are his masterpiece. Sure, we aren't perfect yet, but we will be. I think by trying to be invisible, no different than anyone else, it is kind of like telling God that he didn't make us special. Plus, you are just trying to fool yourself. We all know that we are all different, and that's the way it should be. Why hide it?
I think that by standing out from the crowd, you can gain self-confidence, and really be more secure in your image. A lot of people try to hide who they really are, and their own opinions, because it isn't what everybody else thinks or acts. You should be proud of that! God made us to stand out, and I know I need help from Him to get out of the rut of blending in the crowd.
Grace
P.S. If you are interested in standing out, I reccomend the book Stargirl. It is written from a secular viewpoint, but it displays a lot of Biblical truths, and is a really great thinking book.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Working Together
I know I am the type of person that only likes to work by myself. When I'm doing a project for school, or just going through life, I like to trust myself. That way, I know that anything that comes out of the project is MY work, MY effort, and MY problem. I know I won't get a lowered grade because of some person that wastes their whole time and blows off their project. It's just easier to trust in myself. And sometimes, I think that trusting other people in general is a waste. Being in relationships are rewarding, sure, but they often leave a person disappointed, heartbroken, or not wanting to pursue any new relationships for a long time. It's often easier to go through life relying on yourself to do what you need to do. It's the more detached, simpler route that I think a lot of people take at different levels. But, in the past week and a half, I have been learning that collaboration, and relationships with different people are way more important than I thought.
First of all, think of how much more you could accomplish with the help of others. I bet every single person has gotten excited over an idea or thought to change the world. But, if you are like me, if probably fizzled out once you realized how hard it was. All the things I think of to do are too hard for one person, but maybe not a team of 5. And if you could get something done with 5 people, imagine how much you could do with 20! My point is, if you do something with other people, not just yourself, we would have much more success getting those ideas off the ground.
Another thing about not relying on yourself is that if you learn to trust and form strong relationships with a lot of people, you spare yourself a lot of lonliness and isolation. I was at a weekend retreat this weekend, and we were sharing things about our lives that were hard or discouraging. There were some aspects of my life that I was sure no one else had gone through, but I finally told people, just to get it off my chest. Turns out that more than half the group was experiencing the same thing! I think humans are more alike then I give us credit for. Everyone is unique, but everyone is made in the image of God, and is therefore similar at the core.
God created us to be in many strong relationships. He says over and over in the Bible to surround yourself in a community of believers, and work with other people. I think when we do that, we are showing God that we are thankful for people has put in our lives, and that we understand that people were meant to be together.
I know a ton of people have a self-reliance issue, and this past couple of weeks has really highlighted some of the benifits of being in a crowd of people to share your journeys, and the power of people workng together.
First of all, think of how much more you could accomplish with the help of others. I bet every single person has gotten excited over an idea or thought to change the world. But, if you are like me, if probably fizzled out once you realized how hard it was. All the things I think of to do are too hard for one person, but maybe not a team of 5. And if you could get something done with 5 people, imagine how much you could do with 20! My point is, if you do something with other people, not just yourself, we would have much more success getting those ideas off the ground.
Another thing about not relying on yourself is that if you learn to trust and form strong relationships with a lot of people, you spare yourself a lot of lonliness and isolation. I was at a weekend retreat this weekend, and we were sharing things about our lives that were hard or discouraging. There were some aspects of my life that I was sure no one else had gone through, but I finally told people, just to get it off my chest. Turns out that more than half the group was experiencing the same thing! I think humans are more alike then I give us credit for. Everyone is unique, but everyone is made in the image of God, and is therefore similar at the core.
God created us to be in many strong relationships. He says over and over in the Bible to surround yourself in a community of believers, and work with other people. I think when we do that, we are showing God that we are thankful for people has put in our lives, and that we understand that people were meant to be together.
I know a ton of people have a self-reliance issue, and this past couple of weeks has really highlighted some of the benifits of being in a crowd of people to share your journeys, and the power of people workng together.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Eccelations 4:9-12 ESVGrace
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Christian Songs I Love
Hey! I am just doing a very quick post today! I wanted to give out a couple of Christian songs I really love, for anyone who reads this that wants some good Christian music.
Stronger- Mandisa: I love this song, it is so hopeful, and has lots of truths that she makes easy to understand in the song. It's a beautiful "keep holding on" type of song.
Never Gone- Colton Dixon: I am a huge fan of Colton Dixon, so I might be a bit biased about this one. This is his first single, and it really is beautiful. Some of it is written as though God is speaking to you. It's about how no matter what it feels like, God never leaves you, and you have never been and will never be alone.
Just Cry- Mandisa: This is one of those songs that I think everybody related to. It says that it is okay to let your feelings out, and God can handle your anger or sadness. It is slow, with deliberate, powerful lyrics.
Days of Elijah- Robin Mark: I love this song! It is a super upbeat song with a Irish jig feel :) It is just basically praising the Lord, and its pretty amazing.
Just wanted to introduce a few cool songs!
Grace
Stronger- Mandisa: I love this song, it is so hopeful, and has lots of truths that she makes easy to understand in the song. It's a beautiful "keep holding on" type of song.
Never Gone- Colton Dixon: I am a huge fan of Colton Dixon, so I might be a bit biased about this one. This is his first single, and it really is beautiful. Some of it is written as though God is speaking to you. It's about how no matter what it feels like, God never leaves you, and you have never been and will never be alone.
Just Cry- Mandisa: This is one of those songs that I think everybody related to. It says that it is okay to let your feelings out, and God can handle your anger or sadness. It is slow, with deliberate, powerful lyrics.
Days of Elijah- Robin Mark: I love this song! It is a super upbeat song with a Irish jig feel :) It is just basically praising the Lord, and its pretty amazing.
Just wanted to introduce a few cool songs!
Grace
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Keep Perspective
Hi everybody! These last couple of days I have been getting lots more pageviews- I think that it is because I told some friends and family about this blog; something I hadn't done yet. I was a little nervous to tell people I actually knew about it, but I'm glad I did. If I had continued writing without actually telling people and hoping that strangers stumble across it, it wouldn't have been shown to nearly as many people. Also, if my goal is to evangelize, how can I do that without sharing? Bottom line: I'm glad a told a few people about it, and I hope more people see it now.
Today I want to talk about something that brings me immense comfort- perspective. I want to start off my devotion. I've included my devotion book in this blog before, because I just think it is so amazing. So here is my devotion's advice on perspective. Itis written as though Jesus is speaking to you:
Whenever I get upset because I had to turn in an assignment late, or I messed up my huge presentation, I just remember that it won't matter soon. Compared to the forever that we will live in Heaven, this life will seem like it went by in a second. When we remember how we messed up in this life, we won't care. We won't be mad, or sad, or disappointed about it anymore. All we will care about is how incredibly happy we are in Heaven, with Jesus.
The next time you mess up, or you do something and everything seems to fall apart, keep perspective. Remember that weeks or months from now, it won't matter. We can filter our lives through the perspective of Heaven, and everything will be easier to handle.
Grace
Today I want to talk about something that brings me immense comfort- perspective. I want to start off my devotion. I've included my devotion book in this blog before, because I just think it is so amazing. So here is my devotion's advice on perspective. Itis written as though Jesus is speaking to you:
I am much more 'real' than this world. This world- and all the things in it- will someday be gone. But I am forever. Once you compare things to Forever, it becomes much easier to shake off today's hurts and disappointments.Those words, and that comfort, is so beautiful. Knowing that you will look back on your problems and they won't matter anymore it one of the best things to keep in mind in a crisis. We get so incredibly caught up in everyday struggles, that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But as it says in the devotion, in Heaven, nothing here will matter except for your love for Christ and others.
Years from now, when you're starting your career, it won't matter that you made a bad grade on a test. But it will matter that you kept trying in spite of that bad grade. Twenty or thirty years from now, when you're playing with your own children, it won't matter that you didn't make the team. But it will matter that you kept a happy heart and cheered on those who did. And an eternity from now, nothing on this life will matter- except that you loved me and loved other people with My love.
Don't be shaken by the troubles of this world. One day they will be gone, and I will take you home with me Forever.
Whenever I get upset because I had to turn in an assignment late, or I messed up my huge presentation, I just remember that it won't matter soon. Compared to the forever that we will live in Heaven, this life will seem like it went by in a second. When we remember how we messed up in this life, we won't care. We won't be mad, or sad, or disappointed about it anymore. All we will care about is how incredibly happy we are in Heaven, with Jesus.
The next time you mess up, or you do something and everything seems to fall apart, keep perspective. Remember that weeks or months from now, it won't matter. We can filter our lives through the perspective of Heaven, and everything will be easier to handle.
Grace
Friday, September 21, 2012
The Trap of Apathy
Apathy {noun}:
Lack of feeling or emotion.
Lack of interest or concern.
Impassiveness. Indifference.
That's what apathy means, defined by Merriam-Webster. A lack of feeling, emotion, interest, or concern. You might feel apathetic towards certain things that make your friends passionate and invested in. When you feel apathetic, you often know you should care, but you just don't. It's a very common feeling, and one that leaves us with a sense of emptiness and annoyance.
But as Christians, apathy means more than that. Apathy means that you have no will to read the Bible. Would rather take a nap then pray. Life is tolerable; you don't really feel like your spiritual life is necessary. Apathy towards God has plagued Christians since Christianity was formed, and often goes on for months, or even years.
This summer and fall, I feel like I have been apathetic towards God. I know he's there, but my mind is so plagued with doubts,it's just easier to not care. Going through life, without getting anything out of it, is an easier route than stretching yourself spiritually, and becoming closer to God. It really is simpler. But then, I know I look back at the last few months, and realize that I will never get them back. There were probably hundreds of missed opprotunities to show the love of Jesus. Instead of using them, I just went day to day. I got up, went to school, did homework, hung out with friends, and did it all over again. In some ways, I was wasting my life. And the scary thing about being apathetic is the longer you stay that way, the harder it is to pull yourself out of it.
"Going through the motions" and living a life of apathy is like another things that teenagers have issues with: staying up too late. :) We want to stay up just a little later, and then don't go to bed until some unreasonable time. Then, we wake up the next day and regret it like nothing else. We complain about how we should've slept because now we're tired, and we swear to ourselves that we will never do it again.. And then, that night, it starts over again. We stay up late, regret it, and do it again. It's kind of similar to going a month without furthuring yourself spiritually at all. You do it, regret it, and do it again.
So, make this week coming up not one of those weeks. Make it a week where you don't miss evangelizing opprotunities, and you don't miss the chance to come closer to your King. Because just like there is the scariness of apathy (longer you stay apathetic, the harder it is to change), there is also the beautifulness of caring. The longer you are passionate about Jesus, the easier it is to make it a lifestyle, not just a phase.
Grace
Lack of feeling or emotion.
Lack of interest or concern.
Impassiveness. Indifference.
That's what apathy means, defined by Merriam-Webster. A lack of feeling, emotion, interest, or concern. You might feel apathetic towards certain things that make your friends passionate and invested in. When you feel apathetic, you often know you should care, but you just don't. It's a very common feeling, and one that leaves us with a sense of emptiness and annoyance.
But as Christians, apathy means more than that. Apathy means that you have no will to read the Bible. Would rather take a nap then pray. Life is tolerable; you don't really feel like your spiritual life is necessary. Apathy towards God has plagued Christians since Christianity was formed, and often goes on for months, or even years.
This summer and fall, I feel like I have been apathetic towards God. I know he's there, but my mind is so plagued with doubts,it's just easier to not care. Going through life, without getting anything out of it, is an easier route than stretching yourself spiritually, and becoming closer to God. It really is simpler. But then, I know I look back at the last few months, and realize that I will never get them back. There were probably hundreds of missed opprotunities to show the love of Jesus. Instead of using them, I just went day to day. I got up, went to school, did homework, hung out with friends, and did it all over again. In some ways, I was wasting my life. And the scary thing about being apathetic is the longer you stay that way, the harder it is to pull yourself out of it.
"Going through the motions" and living a life of apathy is like another things that teenagers have issues with: staying up too late. :) We want to stay up just a little later, and then don't go to bed until some unreasonable time. Then, we wake up the next day and regret it like nothing else. We complain about how we should've slept because now we're tired, and we swear to ourselves that we will never do it again.. And then, that night, it starts over again. We stay up late, regret it, and do it again. It's kind of similar to going a month without furthuring yourself spiritually at all. You do it, regret it, and do it again.
So, make this week coming up not one of those weeks. Make it a week where you don't miss evangelizing opprotunities, and you don't miss the chance to come closer to your King. Because just like there is the scariness of apathy (longer you stay apathetic, the harder it is to change), there is also the beautifulness of caring. The longer you are passionate about Jesus, the easier it is to make it a lifestyle, not just a phase.
Grace
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